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(Courtesy Alice)

The Great Shredded Paper Famine of 2017

Well we all know about the great bagel famine of the mid 1800s when thousands of Irish starved and millions were forced to emigrate to NY to enjoy their favourite soft bread
roll with a hole.

Well, CH4 experienced the shredded paper version, with Ben Dover’s paper budget comfortably the low side of the average CM latte.

The A site was good, intimate under the little shelter and the area not overhashed. It was virgin to me. And it was pishing down. Pishing down like last Monday in fact.
Oh it’s monsoon season, so you’d think more paper not less would be preferable. And you’d be sadly wrong!

Trail was marked now and again with small clumps of cream shredded, almost invisible unless right under one’s nose and at varying distances apart. Anything from 20m to 120m it seemed. It was difficult to guage if you were on. There was no hope of seeing the next paper from anywhere. It was ground level, in grass or wetted flat to the path. Nothing was hanging visible from bushes or whatever. To coin Sheep Shagger’s phrase – it was one long circle jerk.

The pack set off and promptly couldn’t see paper. Recent experience of two other runs convinces me that the first 100m sets the template. Can’t see or find the second paper? Then that’ll be the routine all run because the hare won’t get smarter.

We ran down a flooded wide road. Check was called when it was just a clump of paper. Portents not good and diminishing. After a couple of minutes running on the road in the rain and not seeing paper, a real circle of shredded was spotted. The pack spread out front, right and right front. Nothing. Nada.

Suddenly a shout from behind and some DFL walkers headed into a monastery we’d already passed a good 100m back and there was the hare walking the other way out of the property, averting his eyes.

First check had foxed everyone and even back on trail, the paper situation remained dire. Calling was going on but the hammer of the rainstorm drowned out human voices.

Obscene and our Aussie visitor revelled in the puddles and flooded tracks. The rest of us just got on with it as best we could.

Down to an asphalt road and around to the right we went, every turn a challenge and often running on hope that we were still on trail.

V checks were much longer than 100m as the hare had told us, an ill-advised unilateral decision. The checkback side seemed to be better marked and keen as mustard Tainted Shit was shouting OnOn despite HRA’s caution. He was soon shouting False Trail, meaning Checkback. He didn’t learn and did the same thing later on. BMY would have crowned him.

TMB, Tainted and Sex Pistol were going well as was HRA, Aussie George and Obscene but with so many stops to search for paper while On, the pack was more of less condensed with ABB loving the limited markings because they kept him relevant.

At one point False Trail was again yelled as paper stars were seen, but they were just on checks as the hare decided to confuse us further. Why you’d waste time carefully criss crossing a few strands and planting a stone in the middle beats me. Again, not visible unless you were basically above it. TMB also followed ‘paper’ only to find it was small pieces of rubbish paper and not our paper.

Onward we sauntered through the sodden landscape as the rain stopped and the sun came out. We spread out to check when paper disappeared in the middle of a huge muddy field. Sex P found trail and the pack converged in her wake. FRBs were home in 55 mins I guess. TMB had 7.5km, 2km more than Sticky Wicket who wasn’t involved in the checking up front nonsense. Nearly an hour later and well after the circle began,
Tiptoe, Rooter and Frozen returned thankful to be alive.

Good trails that would have been a really good run if we’d been able to see paper better.
Only 3 rules for hares in the monsoon: 1. More paper. 2. Clear paper 3. Visible paper. On on,
Alice

I’d pretty much decided not to go today, but when I picked the kids up from school, they were excited to go to a HRA run! Can’t knock back their enthusiasm for exercise, so we headed down with high expectations. Familiar runsite, not far from the football field on canal road, and a familiar on out, across the wasteland. Attacked by dogs but no check as we headed along the trail at the bottom of the hill. The first check had us all foxed. Everyone wanted to head towards the hills, but the hare had turned left down past the quarry to the road. I was taking it steady early on, letting others do the checking. We crossed the road, and so rarely run closer to canal road. Another check, and Sex Pistol went right – I figured that was the best guess, and also that she hadn’t quite gone far enough. Sure enough I went past her and found rail dropping down into a gully? Not sure what to call it – a drainage ditch? a shitfest? I nailed a few checks from here, including getting back from being nailed at a false trail. Still taking it steady, and the pack was all together when we got back to the road.

The checks were thick and fast, just the way I love hashing! Over the road, I went right and left, but finally got one wrong. This one took us a lot of time as Sheep Shagger found trail to the left, but didn’t let us know until calling false trail from a V check. Turkish in disguise? I carried on checking further to the right until eventually we were called on properly. The delay had given Alice enough time to short cut to trail further on, and get going on the walker trail. Finally we were back on trail, but if I was taking it steady before, now I was really taking it easy. A check-rich trail like this would give plenty of time later on.

I caught up with a group at another false trail, which had already been kicked out as Chuckie was somewhere up ahead. The false trail had been marked, but the next circle not, which suggested it was the most obvious way, and sure enough I caught CW up at the top of the hill. He claimed he’d already checked the obvious trail down to the right, and he headed up to the left. I loitered. If it wasn’t down to the right, where could it be? Sex Pistol went down to the right and within moments was calling us ON – is CW going blind? The downhill charge started, finally we were headed towards home. We went past a trail that is somewhat hidden to the right – I had a gut feeling that HRA knew about it, and would have put a check there, but there was no check – I so nearly went right, but instead followed Sex Pistol and Obscene to the false trail. DAMNIT!

Now I was just behind CW again, and surely we were getting close. Another circle, and I didn’t even consider going right, just followed CW down to the left. Nada… WTF?! Back up the hill and around to the right. Very nice hare, very nice. Damn these checks were devilishly good! SP back at the front as we came down a slightly different ridge to rejoin the walker trail and spot Tiptoe and Cabbage Patch wandering around aimlessly. I got another one right, and the trails were coming together in my head. A final circle, and when I climbed up a bank I could see the paper, but CW and SP were in between me and the paper. CW picked it up and was off. SP and I caught Superman up (Yes… Superman… you read that right), and then jogged in together. Really fine trail, some really excellent checks that kept the pack close together. Great job HRA!

—-

From Alice:-

Out of the Mouths of Babes.

Dr Byte’s gremlins were put on the spot in the circle. On ice on the spot. Why, it was demanded, did they chose to hash today? Because daddy told us it was an HRA run. And why do you think HRA lays good trails? Because he’s a good runner!
Well, those pesky kids were on to something and H duly obliged with a well crafted, cunning set that had the pack twisting this way and that.
Set on white strips with the X marks the spot insignia, the trail led south from the A and the first check was a corker. Eventually Ben Dover did the bizo looking through the trees and there was paper not 20m off the main path!
From here we wound down to the road to Grand Canyon and against expectations went lower towards Canal Rd on flat trails through and between orchards, properties, copses and a long recessed gully. Checks had the pack together and the FRBs changing over repeatedly.
As we came back to the road, the run took a turn towards the bizarre. Byte, Chacky and Sheep Shagger were all spread out checking and Sheep Shagger returned from the left side, Byte from the right. I was sure the hare must take us up towards the forest from here and ducked into an overgrown field by my self. I heard a False Trail call from my left and happily spied paper in the quarry out back of my field. I scooched through the wire and was alone in the quarry in paper. On on! I followed clear paper back out to the left and by happy chance guessed 3 checks on the bounce. Terrain was thick, overgrown in parts but HRA had found some trails and hidden cut throughs of little ravines and gullies.
Eventually I came out into the open and recognized where I was. Paper led left up a main forest path but H had used that for a False Trail previously. I sauntered on, 20 secs jogging, ten walking, the odd faint call behind me. I saw paper going left up the next main trail but also yellow walkers’ paper to the right. I bowed to good sense as I’ve been a bit sick for a few days and decided mellow yellow was better than white supremacy. The grass was high but the route well marked and I bashed back towards the A. Suddenly movement ahead. Superman appeared and was checking. He went down on an easier path, I took a deeply leaf-filled trench into the forest and turned right. Climbing up a rise, X paper gleamed beautifully in the late afternoon rays. On on again!
I kept going by 20/10 method and suddenly On In and an arrow appeared in flour on the deck!
Back at the A HRA looked aghast as I staggered home in 47 minutes. You can’t be back now! he ejaculated in best Victor Meldew fashion. He was happy I’d taken the yellow shirt cut route and we chatted amicably until the real He Men returned, Chacky, Byte and Sheep Shagger too.
Great run, clearly marked, don’t miss out when HRA or Cumalot are hare!
Alice

WTF? So the hare is now in hospital, the co-hare unable to show up because of class… I was left to give the briefest of harebriefs… Before the run I’d taken the 2 visitors aside and told them about the really shitty temple steps – 990 steps to the temple behind the Sameong football field. I told them as an example of a shitty run that some virgins decide to do when they don’t know any better, and assured them that Mr. Poo wouldn’t do anything so stupid…

Was I set up? The hare decides to set one of the worst runs in hash history, checks into rehab, and leaves me the job of emcee? So embarrassed from setting the run they both can’t face showing up? Trail set into the mountains, but if the hashers don’t return, the hares will be fine, pampered by cute nurses, taking selfies of their mountains of food.

We were off, and Chuckie and I both got the first check wrong. Both confident we were right, and trying to out run each other to justify our choice as ‘first to the check’. Nobody else called, so we carried on around and finally I hit trail going backwards as finally HRA called on leading Greasy towards me. We were headed towards the temple. It was Belly that called the 2nd check, and fook me dead, surely not. At the foot of the steps we couldn’t see paper, until Sex Pistol went a bit further up and called “ONON”. WHY? If she had just said “I see nothing”, we could all have turned around and given up. Poo would never have known… We could have just done a little jog along the river and gone back to the beer, but bloody Sex Pistol calls us on, and now we are committed to the climb.

I was still in the state that Mr. Poo wouldn’t do a run like that. He wouldn’t do the hill. He isn’t a monster. So at the only opportunity to escape the hill, I checked left, praying I was right, but ultimately CW called from up the steps, and we were doomed. There is that moment on the climb where it looks like you might have got to the top, and then you round the corner and see an even steeper set of stairs blending into the distance. Having climbed the stairs before I was ready for it, ready for the pain, heartbreak and sorrow.

Finally reaching the top, and the pack is strung out for the descent. CW leading the way with Greasy, and I was in a pack with Sex Pistol, Sheep Shagger and Rob. On the downhill bits I let gravity control my legs, but it took a lot of effort to keep moving on even the slightest ascent. Up the stairs so we could attack the road? Somewhere ahead I heard a check and and ONON from Greasy. CW had breezed past the alternative “trail” and let GG take it – SS and SP ducked off and I headed to deal with the circle, at least until I saw poor CW panting his way back up the hill. Surely we all know you could have just carried on and rejoined a bit below? Good sport though.

CW was on a mission down the hill while my legs were still feeling the steps. At the bottom we emerged back just by the temple… Oh how I wish I had sprinted to find paper there before anyone found paper up the temple steps. From here it was a bunch of tarmac to take us to the road ONIN. Shitty Trail…

A relatively new hare, and the runsite behind Doi Kham… I was worried, very worried – Sex Pistol had recently used a lot of the hill, please don’t do the same… please!!! I bit the bullet and headed out to get some exercise.

We set off on the usual trail, the “Last Man Standing” trail. Gentle to begin with for the warm up before the ascent starts. I was slightly concerned about the reduced FRB community, and then promptly got the first check wrong. I jogged back, and whoever checked the other way took some liberties as you could see paper from 10m away from the check! The hare had picked a bright orange paper rather than the leaf coloured paper from a few weeks back – this time the paper stuck out. I caught up as people milled around the 2nd check – this time where the main trail sets off up, and really the choices are along the river or up the hill. Nobody was calling, so I started the ascent. A couple of paces from the circle I could see what looked like orange paper up ahead, and also Bend Over walking past in quiet meditative thought! I carried on, and sure enough it was paper and not a peep from the Turklike Bendover.

I called ON and carried on up, Sex Pistol rejoining us at the next junction as she took the alternative way remembering a tip I’d given her some time back! I hit the front before a V check. Interesting – why a V and not a circle? There were 2 options, downhill or carry on up. Instinct told me to keep going up, but as I did I started wondering why the hare had put herself through the pain of laying the false trail down to the left??? Luckily I was right and pushed on.

Next a circle, and I carried on the main trail, and found paper after 90m or so. It was paper, but not convincing – on the back of leaves. I nearly called, but stopped myself while I looked more closely. I told Bend Over who was following me, and we carried on to look. I heard a call from somewhere behind me, and assumed (correctly) that we were going backwards. I carried on and after a break in the trail found a circle, and trail leading down to it from the right. Knowing I was going backwards I had a dilemma. I could carry on, or I could head back. I turned back and met Bend Over. We went back and measured the steps between the circle and the erroneous paper. By now the hare had already been by and fixed the trail connecting the two points and putting the ONIN down (1.5km or so up the hill).

Bend Over decided to head back down to the A, I pushed back up towards the trail. Quickly I heard voices, Cumalot I think calling ON. Strange! I didn’t expect to be with them so soon… Sure enough there was the hare having a debate with Sex Pistol about some fuck up. Which fuck up? Seems like I was surrounded by fuck ups! Not to worry, I was on paper and followed it. I was at the back and got to a large group of walkers stood by a circle check. They said it had been called from up the hill. I wondered why they weren’t moving!!! I told them what I had found, and carried on up the hill with Sex Pistol, Poo & Obscene.

After a short climb we cut left, heading towards the trail I’d seen before. Ahead HRA and Sheep Shagger were in control, but when I got to that last circle they were busy checking thoroughly the other side of the river. They “knew” it couldn’t be left, because we’d already come up that trail… I “knew” it was left because I’d already seen the paper! I broke left, and Sex Pistol was right on my ass! “ONON” – I did feel a twinge of sympathy for SS & HRA, but you are only as good as your last check. It was downhill all the way, straight back down the out trail – a balloon set. Running down the hill I past ABB, who was expecting HRA. Damnit Sex Pistol was still on my ass! Every time I looked over my shoulder she was right there! Down to the flat bit, and then a slight incline. I walked briefly, but still Sex Pistol was right on me. I jogged as far as the road, and then we walked in together.

I understand the hare ran into some problems, but she figured it out and fixed it and in the end produced a pleasant run – no shiggy, all trail, some hill, but not too much, and at least one check that really foxed the FRBs. Cheers!